Neon colour paper

A thing I wrote for Crispy Best's For Every Year 'project' is up. I chose the year 1514 because it sounds kind of sexy to say out loud. The story is called 'There's something about Mary'. It is written from the point of view of some French dude called Louise or something.

Starting to think about Christmas.

This year I started hosting a cabaret/variety style show. I am going to do a Christmas party edition in December. I am most excited about this because this man is coming to do his stuff


Also
You should start thinking about Christmas. And Christmas presents.

The ideal Christmas present for everyone in every family that was ever made ever is the book called QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT which is available from Bureau De Books. Go buy it douche bag.

mixtapes

i am all alone and my knees hurt, please help me please

if i owned yellow trousers i would never not wear them

the new wooden folding chair i bought is working out ok

rewriting from scratch and from memory is fun

want to be a contestant on tv talent show watching tv

Pretending to cry

Chris East is not even really a man. He always wants to get what he wants. If on occasion he fails or struggles to get what he wants he will pretend to cry.

Sparklers

Went to a bonfire
Looked at the bonfire
Had some sparklers but didn't light the sparklers
The fire was hot on my face
A man shouted into his phone
Shouting about Fresh Donuts
Kids wave flashing plastic
We eat sweets
Fireworks fizz and bang
People make noises
People are enjoying the fireworks
And the fireworks lose focus through the smoke
Organ music plays ABBA
Fireworks vary in size
A steam train whistle signals something

Random-article-at-Wikipedia event

i am feeling warm with the heating on and getting all psyched up for halloween, but even with all this comfort and jollity i still feel like I need to do something to entertain myself. so welcome to the RANDOM-ARTICLE-AT-WIKIPEDIA EVENT.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mar%C3%ADa_Ana_de_Pontejos_y_Sandoval,_Marchioness_of_Pontejos
These old portrait women always seem like pale bitches. They have no chins and no 'sex', I mean, I don't feel any 'sex' when I look at these potraits. Goya doesn't know shit. He let this woman dress up and pretend to be someone else. All the ladies want to dress like Marie Antoinette because she was like Mischa Barton or some shit. Just after this portrait was painted Ana stomped on that little pug because it was a yapping little jerk.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convergence_for_Alternance_and_Change
"This article about a political party in Mali is a stub." !!! What is with that Wikipedia? You are trying to fuck up my flow or something. Fuck you. 'Convergence for Alternance and Change' is the lamest and most unsuccessful sounding name for a political party ever invented. They should change it to 'Afterbirth Party' and people would hear it and be all like "HOLY SHIT! That is wild!" and they would win more seats and in the international news on the Guardian website everyone would be in the comments section saying things about how freedom of speach in Mali is awesome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_School_At_A_Time
Is this a hip-hop album themed after teen suicide? Is this a depressing film set in the East Midlands about a teacher who is wrongly accused of sleeping with a hot looking student? Is this some archaic and now redundant phrase used by old people to help me eat slowly? No, none of those things. Just some fucked up and pointless Wikipedia page about some dull and worthy charity. Someone clean up this orphan yeah?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egon
Yes. I love Ghostbusters. It has nerds and laser beams and explosions and monsters and is set in New York like every other film. Having seen this I think I would seriously consider naming my hypothetical child Egon. And everyone would be all like "Ha, yeah, I love Ghostbusters. But Harold Ramis has directed some shit films hasn't he?" and I would say "I think his cameo in As Good As It Gets was pretty sweet, besides this kid is named after the former and final leader of East Germany. Go Communism!"

(i think it would pretty sweet if you went and had your own RANDOM-ARTICLE-AT-WIKIPEDIA EVENT. please do it. for me?)

100th post

I AM IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF YOU READ THIS THEN I LOVE YOU. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULD KISS YOUR FINGERTIPS AS YOU TOUCH THE KEYBOARD. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULD EMAIL YOU MY DICK. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. KNOWING THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS AND READING THESE WORDS MAKES ME FEEL WARMER THAN I FELT BEFORE. I AM SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW. TELL ME SOMETHING SEXY...

...OH YEAH THAT IS PRETTY FUCKING SEXY. I WANT TO GET ON A BUS ON A TRAIN ON A BOAT ON A PLANE AND VISIT YOU AND HOLD YOU AS YOU SLEEP AND TELL YOU A STORY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD ABOUT A MAGIC MIRROR AND BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. I WANT TO WATCH YOU SLEEP. I WANT YOU TO SET UP A WEBCAM AND LET ME WATCH YOU SLEEP. DO THAT. I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING. I WANT TO KEEP IT SIMPLE. KNOWING EVERYTHING IS AS SIMPLE AS KNOWING NOTHING. TELL ME EVERYTHING AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU. AGAIN. AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Solid gold hits

Like a tangerine on steroids, I am all over.

I am building my brand. The 'Chris East' brand. I need some merchandise.



Here is a poem

Father of the Bride

I am scared of your dad
He laughed as
He threatened to kill me in my sleep
In your sleep
I told him 'fuck off'
With his hand on my shoulder
And mouth against my ear
He said quietly
'I want to make love to you'