Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The Story Of The Fucking Stupid Spider

a story I wrote this afternoon instead of working or playing solitaire.

There was a spider and it was fucking stupid.
Like all spiders this spider had 8 legs.
But unlike the other spiders this spider only used 6 of them to walk with.
The other 2 legs it used to make obscene gestures in the direction of police and royalty.
“Go fuck yourself.”
The Fucking Stupid Spider would stand and shout at the windows of Buckingham Palace for hours on end.
“You are shit.”
The police would come and move him away using an upturned glass and an old greetings card.
But he just came back a week later.
He would never learn his lesson.

The Queen was up in her bedroom looking out through the curtains.
“That stupid spider is here again I see.”
“Yes Your Majesty.”
The Queen bought a new corgi dog at an auction in the summer.
“Why don’t you just have him killed, Your Majesty?”
“Corgi, if I just went around having spiders and earwigs and dragonflies killed every time they shout swear words at me then I wouldn’t be a very good queen would I?”
“But he is an exceptionally fucking stupid spider isn’t he?”
“Yes Corgi. Yes he is.”

Another thing about the Fucking Stupid Spider.
He could never spin any web.
Not ever.
And this meant he very rarely got to eat anything at all.
He died sad and stupid and lonely.

4 comments:

johanna n said...

I don't know if this is supposed to be funny, but you crack me up. Ahahaha.

Pirate Girl x

Blank Stares & Cricketclaps said...

Its not funny, he's cracking up.

Now your cracking up about it.

I hope your crack cracks.

Chris said...

i am cracking like an egg
like a big old egg

thank you

Rob said...

i liked this story. spiders are ok. some people are scared of them though. it can be hard living with people that are.