Random-article-at-Wikipedia event

i am feeling warm with the heating on and getting all psyched up for halloween, but even with all this comfort and jollity i still feel like I need to do something to entertain myself. so welcome to the RANDOM-ARTICLE-AT-WIKIPEDIA EVENT.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mar%C3%ADa_Ana_de_Pontejos_y_Sandoval,_Marchioness_of_Pontejos
These old portrait women always seem like pale bitches. They have no chins and no 'sex', I mean, I don't feel any 'sex' when I look at these potraits. Goya doesn't know shit. He let this woman dress up and pretend to be someone else. All the ladies want to dress like Marie Antoinette because she was like Mischa Barton or some shit. Just after this portrait was painted Ana stomped on that little pug because it was a yapping little jerk.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convergence_for_Alternance_and_Change
"This article about a political party in Mali is a stub." !!! What is with that Wikipedia? You are trying to fuck up my flow or something. Fuck you. 'Convergence for Alternance and Change' is the lamest and most unsuccessful sounding name for a political party ever invented. They should change it to 'Afterbirth Party' and people would hear it and be all like "HOLY SHIT! That is wild!" and they would win more seats and in the international news on the Guardian website everyone would be in the comments section saying things about how freedom of speach in Mali is awesome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_School_At_A_Time
Is this a hip-hop album themed after teen suicide? Is this a depressing film set in the East Midlands about a teacher who is wrongly accused of sleeping with a hot looking student? Is this some archaic and now redundant phrase used by old people to help me eat slowly? No, none of those things. Just some fucked up and pointless Wikipedia page about some dull and worthy charity. Someone clean up this orphan yeah?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egon
Yes. I love Ghostbusters. It has nerds and laser beams and explosions and monsters and is set in New York like every other film. Having seen this I think I would seriously consider naming my hypothetical child Egon. And everyone would be all like "Ha, yeah, I love Ghostbusters. But Harold Ramis has directed some shit films hasn't he?" and I would say "I think his cameo in As Good As It Gets was pretty sweet, besides this kid is named after the former and final leader of East Germany. Go Communism!"

(i think it would pretty sweet if you went and had your own RANDOM-ARTICLE-AT-WIKIPEDIA EVENT. please do it. for me?)

100th post

I AM IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF YOU READ THIS THEN I LOVE YOU. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULD KISS YOUR FINGERTIPS AS YOU TOUCH THE KEYBOARD. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULD EMAIL YOU MY DICK. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. KNOWING THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS AND READING THESE WORDS MAKES ME FEEL WARMER THAN I FELT BEFORE. I AM SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW. TELL ME SOMETHING SEXY...

...OH YEAH THAT IS PRETTY FUCKING SEXY. I WANT TO GET ON A BUS ON A TRAIN ON A BOAT ON A PLANE AND VISIT YOU AND HOLD YOU AS YOU SLEEP AND TELL YOU A STORY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD ABOUT A MAGIC MIRROR AND BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. I WANT TO WATCH YOU SLEEP. I WANT YOU TO SET UP A WEBCAM AND LET ME WATCH YOU SLEEP. DO THAT. I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING. I WANT TO KEEP IT SIMPLE. KNOWING EVERYTHING IS AS SIMPLE AS KNOWING NOTHING. TELL ME EVERYTHING AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU. AGAIN. AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Solid gold hits

Like a tangerine on steroids, I am all over.

I am building my brand. The 'Chris East' brand. I need some merchandise.



Here is a poem

Father of the Bride

I am scared of your dad
He laughed as
He threatened to kill me in my sleep
In your sleep
I told him 'fuck off'
With his hand on my shoulder
And mouth against my ear
He said quietly
'I want to make love to you'

S.O.S.

your eyes, peace prize

Had a weird week. It involved 2 trips to London, 2 Winston Echo gigs, 1 trip to the Jobcentre, 1 album called Doolittle, 1 night where I really had a not very nice time and wanted to leave but couldn't.

Often I have nights where I have a not very nice time and want to leave but can't. I just feel stuck. I have to make people think that I am having a nice time whilst I am speaking to them but at the same time I just want to not be near other people or just be near one person or something. I feel like I am really rude and selfish sometimes, and then other times I feel like I am fucking perfect and everyone else is really rude and selfish. I say things like "I guess it's not place to be angry" and "I guess I have no right to expect anything from you" but actually, I mean actually, it is my place and I do have a right. Sometimes I just need to hear an apology or something nice to pull me out of dark shit.

I am finishing listening to all of these things. Turns out that fifteen years ago Chris Morris was the shit. And also 1994 was pretty good for pop music. De La Soul, Frank Black, 2Unlimited. yes yes.

I was unaware that The Prodigy's number 1 UK hit single 'Firestarter' contained a sample from a song by The Breeders. I am in love with Kim Deal a little bit. Here are 2 similar but different pieces of evidence.

3 more QUESTIONS ABOUT A SHIT LIFE

Q
What do you even do with your days? You are so lazy.
A
I sit and listen to dogs barking. I chew pieces of boot leather. I turn over and over and over until I am sore. I look at magic eye pictures and try to imagine them busting into flame. I make music using only the bones of dead deer. Sometimes I eat. I wrap presents for orphans and then never deliver them because I hate orphans. I type up nuisance letters to dead celebrities.

Q
Do you recycle?
A
Yes. I recycle other people's ideas and make them into something better.

Q
Who washes the prostitute's clothes?
A
The pimp would be responsible for all laundry. The prostitute visits the pimp each morning with a pillowcase filled with soiled underwear and blouses and hotpants from the night before and the prostitute takes them to his mother's house and shouts at her until she puts them in the machine. The pimp's mother takes care to use fabric softener on all the clothes. It is better that way.

(please make sure you visit Bureau De Books and buy a copy, or two, of the new book named QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT because it is the bomb)

Facts

Other people are writing facts and passing them off as facts. Fuck those guys.

I do like facts. I have been reading this site called wikipedia. It is a literary journal which publishes pieces of writing about different subjects. You can submit things there now. They have little or no quality control.

I think this is the best thing I have read on wikipeedia. It is about John Henry. He worked on the railroad.

John Henry was born with a hammer in his hand. He would crawl around banging his hammer as he went. John Henry did a mans work with his father. Soon he realized he was stronger than most people his age, so he decided it was time he went out into the world. he got a job in the cotton fields, but it was too tame. So he got a job on a river boat. One night the paddle wheel broke and John Henry turned the wheel. He heard men talking of railroads being built, so he started thinking that he wanted a hammer in his hand again, so he joined a railroad crew. John Henry's crew worked the fastest. Soon they came to a mountain and his friend Lil Bill told him about all of the dangers. John Henry said suits me just fine. One day there was a cave-in while a stick of dynamite was lit, and John Henry and his crew were stuck inside. John Henry was going to put it out, but he fell, so he took his hammer and hit the fuse on the head and put out the flame. some days later a steam drill challenged John Henry to a contest to see who could get through the mountain first. After a few hours the steam drill was ahead so John Henry got two hammers and pounding away. Then the steam drill broke down. When John Henry broke through the side of the mountain his heart exploded, and he died with a hammer in each hand.

I wish I was friends with the person who wrote this because it is great.

3 QUESTIONS ABOUT A SHIT LIFE

Q
When you are lying face down in gravel and broken glass, should you open your mouth lick the ground?
A
Probably. It all depends on how you came to be and whether the Creator of The Universe has chosen this as your path. The ground will undoubtably taste sweet as the fruit which ripens and falls from trees and bushes and into the mouths of babes. I say yes.

Q
Where do you keep the truth and why is it not on display for all to see?
A
This question is without answer. There is no truth for you. You do not deserve truth. You do not work hard enough and you will never fulfill any of the potential you have been cursed with. You are a failure. Truth is for celebrities.

Q
When I bruise the bruise turns yellow. That shouldn't happen, right?
A
Yes. The bruise will and should turn yellow. If you were to peel away the skin to view the bruise eye-to-eye then you would see that the yellow is really a rich gold colour, and staring at it too long will make you lust for such riches. Do not stare. In fact, do not peel your skin away. In fact, be more careful, try not to bruise.

(QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT is the name of a new book from Bureau De Books. You should go and order it because it is cheap but also very good.)