Thursday, 20 November 2008

i went to see Mount Eerie play but got to see other things

On monday i took the train to london to see Mount Eerie.
It was a great show.

There was a couple who could not stop touching eachother whilst Mount Eerie was playing his songs. They were out of control. I think they may have fucked in the toilet. Is it romantic? If it is your favourite band, playing the music that means the most to you in the world, is it reasonable to want to touch or fuck the person you are with, but only if they are into it too? Then there is the fact that you are distracting yourself from the music by dry humping someone instead of giving your attention to the music.

I don't know.

I have so many questions.

There was also a man playing scrabble and mariokart on a nintedo DS.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The Story Of The Fucking Stupid Spider

a story I wrote this afternoon instead of working or playing solitaire.

There was a spider and it was fucking stupid.
Like all spiders this spider had 8 legs.
But unlike the other spiders this spider only used 6 of them to walk with.
The other 2 legs it used to make obscene gestures in the direction of police and royalty.
“Go fuck yourself.”
The Fucking Stupid Spider would stand and shout at the windows of Buckingham Palace for hours on end.
“You are shit.”
The police would come and move him away using an upturned glass and an old greetings card.
But he just came back a week later.
He would never learn his lesson.

The Queen was up in her bedroom looking out through the curtains.
“That stupid spider is here again I see.”
“Yes Your Majesty.”
The Queen bought a new corgi dog at an auction in the summer.
“Why don’t you just have him killed, Your Majesty?”
“Corgi, if I just went around having spiders and earwigs and dragonflies killed every time they shout swear words at me then I wouldn’t be a very good queen would I?”
“But he is an exceptionally fucking stupid spider isn’t he?”
“Yes Corgi. Yes he is.”

Another thing about the Fucking Stupid Spider.
He could never spin any web.
Not ever.
And this meant he very rarely got to eat anything at all.
He died sad and stupid and lonely.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Chris is status updates off of facebook

Chris is a shell of a man.
Chris is the same colour as the fucking universe.
Chris doesn't trust you. Any of you. You're all liars and you know it.
Chris just killed himself but it didn't take.
Chris is AM.
Chris is Hound of the Basketballs.
Chris is jichael mackson.
Chris is the first black president of planet earth.
Chris is a sad and pathetic loser and wonders if and why anyone really likes him.
Chris is the new president of planet earth.
Chris is alone.
Chris somewhere over the rainbow, there's another rainbow.

theatre website

I work in a theatre.
The website does not work.
Old people cannot work the website.
Old people ride their computers like they are large horses and expect them to work like they are toasters.
I listen to their voices and hear the groans of a thousand bleeping soundcards.
The computers turn into small horses which are too small for the old people to see.
Because the old people are old and their sight is shot.
The computers are small because the young people want it that way.
They just turned invisible.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008


if i always sit on my hands
then i can't push you over