Tuesday, 30 June 2009

We are all being strangled. 'Swine flu' was fucked up by 'MPs expenses' and 'the BNP'. Now, they in turn are being gang raped by 'the weather', 'Michael Jackson' and 'tennis'. I have stopped caring.

The first Bureau De Books book has been posted as a PDF on that blog so you can download it and read it if you like. I wrote one and a half things in it. There is also a picture of me drinking tea.

I wrote this poem for you, I hope you like it
Up above the world so high
I can see two clouds fucking
One cloud ejaculates into the other cloud
And we all run for cover

Thursday, 25 June 2009

they've been putting the holes in

You should preorder the new issue of The Lifted Brow
It is a pretty great thing
I have an illustration in it

My Google Reader is out of control
I have too many subscripitions and I cannot possibly catch up
This morning there were more than 200 unread items
I clicked 'mark as read' on a bunch so now I am down 162
But it is still totally daunting
It will take an effort of super human proportions to bring this back
I don't think I have what it takes
I know I don't

Last night I went to see Blur
It was really pretty great
It's a trip yo

Here's a good video for a song they did not play

I don't know what else I have to add
I have ceased being a productive member of society
I feed the pigeons
I sometimes feed the sparrows too

Monday, 22 June 2009

The weekend

A new story up at Dogzplot called 'That Roy Orbison song'

Crispin Best said that lately my writing seems 'more angry'

He could be right

Drama is what it is yeah?

I will live

Friday, 12 June 2009

great opportunities for aspiring writers!!!

Following my previous post, Ben Brooks and myself had a brief conversation via the medium of 'email'

I am proposing an ebook

submissions open now

The ebook will be called 'STORYS OF PEOPLE SHAGGING SPIDERS'

It will be a collection of flash fiction erotica featuring spiders and people

It is important to stress 'erotica' and 'spiders'

I want people to start writing this now

Also, tell other people about it

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

'storys of people shagging spiders' and birds of a feather

someone found my blog by searching 'papier mache dog'
someone found my blog by searching 'driver fucking indian story'
someone found my blog by searching 'storys of people shagging spiders'

a lot of people search for things to with taxi drivers having sex or things to do with Leslie Joseph

should i change the name of my blog to Leslie Joseph

these three women are my heroes
i mean, not really, but they could be

here is a thing about Leslie Joseph

Tuesday, 9 June 2009


you should go read this
also I have written one of the things
it is called 'Daniel Radcliffe'
(much love to Crispy Breast)
I am wondering if anyone would like to come and visit me in Northampton?
We could hang out.
There is a museum with shoes in it.
I work in a theatre.
Maybe I could get free tickets?
We could maybe go out for a drink or eat Indian food.
What do you think?

Thursday, 4 June 2009

various unwanted bullshit post

If I threw up today I would throw up into my own hands and then drop it out the window and turn my back and listen to see if anyone reacts

Time travel just will never work and anyone who is doing serious research into time travel is a fucking idiot and if time travel ever did work would you want to get inside a time machine designed by a fucking idiot

I am running out of money quickly

I was talking to someone and I said "I would rather fuck a burning bag of shit than see her naked" and they said "Ha" and I thought I had said the funniest thing in the world

Sometimes I think of something to say and find it so clever and funny that I am laughing too much to make it come out of my mouth and then when I do force it out it sounds stupid and incoherent and not clever and funny at all anymore

I have a lot of work to do before I turn 27 and die if I want to be considered a tragic rock and roll death, is this a bad thing to work towards

If anyone is interested in making a reality television series based on me I will definitely do it

There is a man where I work and for the past three days he has been wearing the same olive green vest and short trousers/long shorts and he looked like an extra from one of the Rambo sequels and now today he is dressed in a military jumpsuit and this makes me wish I was at home wearing my boiler suit now

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Mouse (Willie)

For your information

The next Bureau De Books book is titled QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT

The deadline for submissions is coming, it is under 10 days (9 days) away.

I really want people to contribute

I think it'll be good yeah?

Also, through either coincidence or conspiracy

xtx is closing contributions for this elephant thing on the same day


I wrote something about a cartoon

Tonight I am going to watch that Terminator movie

It will probably be bad or fun, I don't know

I read Light Boxes at last

It was pretty great

I felt worried during parts of it

Monday, 1 June 2009

Security Guard

The Security Guard has grey hair and is young. The grey hair grew in when the Security Guard was 14 years old and was in a bus accident where the bus got caught in powerful winds causing it to roll over with more than 30 passengers inside. No one died or was hurt at all, but the stress caused 9 of the passengers' hair to turn grey within a week and 13 lost their hair completely. Every couple of years the passengers of the bus have a reunion in a village hall near where the crash happened and mainly they talk about their hair. This year a couple who met in the accident got married. Their hair was unaffected because they already had no hair and were grey respectively.