Thursday, 30 April 2009

The Revolution - FAQ

What is 'The Revolution'?
The Revolution is what will happen when we all decide we have had enough. It is still not completely clear what it is that we will have had enough of, but when it happens we will know. It will be obvious.

What happens when 'The Revolution' comes?
We will all hold up our swords and shields to the glowing golden orb in the sky and call for justice. There, before the pounding sun we will join together in one throbbing mass and destroy every semblence of evil put before us. As suggested previously, we will not know what form this evil will take until it manifests itself. It would be best if you prepared yourself for having to fight against everything from 20ft tall bankers and hoards of rabid babies through to microbacteria and abstract notions such as time and love.

How do I sign up for 'The Revolution'?
At the Tower Of London you will find a small leather bound book hidden behind a loose block in the east wall. There you must sign your name in the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb (sorry, but there will be no use for squeamish vegetariansin The Revolution) after which you will be issued with your sword and armour. For further directions please email

What is the likely outcome of 'The Revolution'?
You will probably die. The fact you felt the need to consult this FAQ shows that you lack the true spirit required to successfully survive The Revolution. The rest of us will drink to your memory.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

email me yeah?

the thing I do called BUREAU DE BOOKS is opening up submissions for the new book we are starting work on. here is a repost of a post.

Submissions are now open for the next Bureau De Books book.
We are looking for pieces of writing, prose or poetry or whatevs(1000 words maximum.)
The title must be a question. End with a question mark (?)
Other than the title there are no instructions.
QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT will be 'professionally' printed in black and white using a Print-On-Demand service.
It will look good.

email submissions to chriseast83[AT]


that is it. i think it would be good to receive a bunch of really good stuff from people who read this and people i have been in touch with. i feel like this is an exciting time to be alive. ha.

it would be nice to see people let other people know about this, go.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

i want

A story that I have written is now up in the new Zygote In My Coffee and you can read it by clicking on the following series of typographical symbols %+#~$*?, it is called 'Universe'.

Small reminder maybe because I think this looks really good and people should attend if they can.

Monday, 27 April 2009

chick magnet vs plunder bunny

Somehow I want more people to read CHICK MAGNET.

I do not know how to go about this. I am and always have been bad at self-promotion. Ask anyone. They will tell you "Chris East is bad at self-promotion".

I think if anyone reads this and wants to post an excerpt of CHICK MAGNET on their website or blog then they should do it. They could even claim it was their own writing before the excerpt and then appologise for lying at the end and link to the CHICK MAGNET blog.

Perhaps someone would like to take words and sentences from CHICK MAGNET and move them around and remix them and use the 'find and replace' word processor function to make it different and then they could the result DICK MAGNET or FRIDGE MAGNET or something.


Friday, 24 April 2009

SUN! (i don't know)

I have pain deep in body right now. I was running faster than my legs would allow and folded over double and landed on my head and my shoulder. My shoulder took the vast weight of it. The sun is out and that means volleyball and frisbee and other games not native to the United Kingdom. I don't know. It is supposed to be fun right? I am outtashape.

My money. I don't know. It is supposed to be fun right? I am still young.

If I write some things that would be a book would someone make that book? Would someone put the effort in? Would someone like me, or something written by me, enough to make it into a book? I feel like it is more 'legit' if someone else makes it, otherwise it is just masterbation right?

I am trying to force myself to work harder. I have so much free time at the moment. It is driving me insane. I started playing video games again for the first time in a while. I always find the idea of video games and their history a lot more entertaining than actually spending my time playing them. Fuck. This is not an indictment of the game playing community. I feel like an arsehole.

I am trying to force myself to work harder on CHICK MAGNET. I feel like it could be really good and I actually feel 'better' when I have written some of it. Like it is cathartic or something. I don't know. Perhaps it is 'autobiographical' maybe. Maybe parts of it. It feels good writing some things down.

I think that Cath and I are going to go to the London Zine Symposium next sunday. It will be fun and interesting. Other people should come and have fun with us. We will take copies of 'IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE A MISTAKE' with us. There are other good people I already know or kinda know going. Come.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

10,000 words on the effects of the economic crisis and the post modern condition on the developing minds of young people in middle america

1. The things we choose to do are often the easiest and dumbest.

2. I saw a lady run down a flight of stairs so fast her feet could not keep up with the top half of her body. She was heavy and she fell and her face was soft enough to break her fall. She probably did not die. People do not die of things like that. They die of cancer and stabbings.

3. 200 years from now medicine will be so advanced that people will be living until the age of 150 quite easily, yet people will struggle to find work over the age of 50 and suicide rates will soar. Suicide cults will prosper and seem attractive to young and old alike.

4. Scientology is cool. It does not upset me. I think perhaps it is a joke which the rich and famous are playing on the rest of us and one day John Travolta will come out and say "You didn't really think we all belived that shit did you?" How awesome would that be?

5. I feel like if I was the prime minister I would be a pretty good prime minister. I would introduce a new national holiday where, for one day out of the year, all the motorways are fitted with stunt ramps.

Please add your own...

Monday, 20 April 2009

Brrrds of a Feather

A story I made called 'Leslie Joseph is a Monster' is up on the Pygmy Giant. Check it.

I read and blurb'd Crispin Best's new joint called Go Ninja Go Ninja Go. It is based on the film Beverly Hill's Ninja starring the late, great Chris Farley.

I wish I had something else to say.
Please help?
I would like it if someone gave me a reason to do something soon.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

I don't know either

i want interns

i want 500 interns

i want someone to write a book about my influence on contemporary western culture

i want my 500 interns to collectively write a book about themselves with a chapter dedicated to each

i want my 500 interns to be female and nice and be interested in talking to me rather than avoiding me

i want my 500 interns to be either really rich or really poor, nowhere inbetween

i would settle for a girlfriend

i am a volleyball

I realised I forgot to mention a new story on Dogzplot

It is called Geneva

Much love goes out to all the people who read ALL IN TOGETHER NOW and enjoyed and told me they enjoyed it

I really appreciate it



On sunday I put on a show for some bands

(that is something that I do sometimes, ask me about it if you like)

They were called The Balky Mule and Headfall and they were really great

Someone else was supposed to play as well but she was very sick

As a swap I decided to read a couple of stories, including two from All In Together Now, one about Leslie Joseph and a brand new one I made on the weekend called Happy Easter.

It went quite well.

If anyone would like me to come and do a reading for them then you should ask.

I am quite good.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Stupid ideas I have been having

On wedding invitations put "free cake and disco" to boost attendance

Name and slogan for strip club: S. Sex Girls (the 'S' stands for SEX!)

I was going to write a story or poem and the first line was going to be "If you read this to the end you will go blind" but then I decided not to because the only things I could write after that were really dumb. If someone wants to use that line as the first line of a poem or story then that would make me feel good about myself and I would be happy to read it. (An example of other lines "I love you, I think you are fucking stupid." See what I mean?)

I want to do a set of Daniel Johnston songs at my next show and maybe I will just not mention that they are Daniel Johnston songs and when people come up after the show and say "Chris your new songs are really nice and sad, thank you for writing them with your brain" I will just respond politely and fail to point out the truth.

I want to go on holiday or something. Everyone I know is preparing to go away somewhere or has just gone away or is doing something special and I feel like I am not clever enough or urgent enough to get these things done and come up with plans of my own. I am happy that everyone else is good at these things and that they are Living Their Fucking Lives To The Max but it also makes me sad that I am not. My brother's band is on tour. Whatever. No, not whatever. I could maybe do a tour of my own if I was willing to put the effort in. People are going on holiday and I could easily do that, really easily. Last time I went away, which was not too long ago, I had to be prompted to do it and my friend found the hotel for me and also told me when to go. I will go away somewhere in the summer, but someone else will organise everything for me.

It is my birthday 1 month from today. Please ask for an address to send cards and gifts to.

Friday, 3 April 2009

Go Man Go!

I have a new story
it is on the thing called For Every Year
(which is 'noble' and ambitious and that's why I love you)

Greg Lytle made the following video to accompany Kathryn Regina's forthcoming chapbook
it is a bit special, you should watch it 3 times in a row at least

I really enjoyed this thing what Ani Smith has written
she uses the word 'splotchy' which feels either perfect or ridiculous or ridiculously perfect (ha)

This afternoon I made a 'cake' using a lot of MANGO
Too much MANGO
The MANGO stopped the cake from being a cake
Now what I have is
MANGO pudding
It tastes nice
(would you like some?)
But it looks really really weird.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Ol' Dirty said...

Crispin Best made a video review of the book called IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE A MISTAKE and you can go watch it here.

Brandi Wells 'published' one of my poems on her high-content, low-quality blog called Brandi Wells' Review, read it here.

Go read Ryan Manning's thing on PANGUR BAN PARTY. It is 'tip top'.