On the weekend I made up a little book to sell at a fair I was going to. It contains 1 (one) story. It is not very long. If you are interested in seeing it I would happily send you one. You should email me. chriseast83[at]gmail.com It has a colourful cover. If you live in the UK I will send you it for nothing. (If you live outside the UK we should sort something out for shipping yeah) I did not make many of them.
BTW! I always have stuff to post. If anyone ever wants something then they can send me their address and I will send them something.
Work pays for the postage.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
I am an ego. I am an eagle. I am so fucking cool it is unbelievable. I am the only person in the room. I am the only person in the room worth talking to or about. I am an ego. I could fight anyone here and win. I can see through your clothes and imagine you naked and that is fucking cool. I am just the right amount of hot. I have ideas and they are awesome. I should be prime minister. I should be president. I should be the first black president. I am a fucking genius. I have an IQ. I am a walking IQ machine. I am an IQ which is twice whatever IQ you have is. I rule. I could live underwater if I wanted and if I did all the sharks and killer whales and shit would be scared because I could fuck them up. I own loads of records and any one of my records could fuck up all of your records. I have impeccable taste. I am impeccable. I am not God because God does not exist, yeah, sorry to tell you. I know the truth about everything. I knew the thing about Santa Claus before anyone else did. I am going to move to Hollywood and make a film about myself. I am going to make this film and star in it and everyone will say "Wow." It will be the biggest and most successful film. I will make a book of the film and it will win all the awards and be a best seller and everyone will say "Wow." I will be a rapper. I will have a big house but I will make the house myself on the weekends but not because I need to but because I can.
i have a thing i want to show you it is called BEING AND TIM and it is a cartoon it is made by Rebecca Dyer (who is a friend in Brighton) and it is all philosophical and shit and funny
DJ put out some much appreciated kudos for Chick Magnet on his blog. That was real nice of him, and it means that I will have to be less lazy about it. If you don't already read DJ's blog, why is that? It is rad. I like it. He seems to be worried about PANGUR BAN PARTY. He probably shouldn't be so worried. It will all work out in the end. I think now that I will be writing something for PBP and it will be one of the greatest things ever.
on PANGUR BAN PARTY right now there is a poetry series by Kristen Shaw. It is called 'We Are Only Bodies' and it is good. It makes me feel scared but also warm. I don't know what I am talking about.
I watched the film JCVD on the weekend and it was kind of weird to not see Jean Claude Van Damme kicking people in the head for 90 minutes. Ben Mirov had a look back at some of Jean Claude's finer moments.
There is a nice video on Noo Journal of Chelsea Martin doing a poem at the request of Colin Bassett. It is part of the Rad Poetry fundraiser they are doing which seems like a fun idea and possibly something worth investigating.
'Hopefully' Bureau De Books will be doing a stall at the Bicycle Basket Bazaar in The Fishmarket Arts Centre in Northampton this saturday. We will be selling copies of'IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE A MISTAKE' and perhaps some other things. I intend on writing prose/poetry to order during the day. If you are any where near Northampton then you should consider coming because it is always good fun and you should say hello to me because it would make me feel better about myself. I am looking for fun things to do. If anyone has a project they would like me to work on then they should email me chriseast83[AT]gmail.
When I die I want you to spend all of my savings, and a bunch of yours, on the biggest and dumbest looking memorial you can find. Like, pay some old guy thousands to carve some statue of me pointing towards the sky, standing with one foot resting on the back of polar bear that I just wrestled and killed. Oh, and in big solid gold letters around the base of the whole thing put the words fuck you poor people, this monument costs twice as much as that operation your kid needs.
i made a new blog - it is called photos of old people enjoying themselves - it ranges from fun to disturbing - sometimes old people are mean and depressing - when they are having fun they seem so much nicer - anyone can contribute - leave a comment on there and i will invite you
Last friday BBC Radio Northampton broadcast a pretty shakey interview with myself and Cath about "that book" and also about Bureau De Books. If you, for someone reason, I don't know what reason, maybe yr mentally ill, or you get off on hearing the sound of two giggling morons try try trying to string a sentence together, then you can download a podcast from the Weekender website.
God. I wish I had something better to write about on here. I feel like such a whore. Maybe if people went and bought some more copies of "that book" then I would be able to stop going on about it.
Here is something I posted last week and then took down, I am feeling that I would quite like to put it back up now, and now I am saying that it is a poem. I think I am allowed to do that.
HR can die This morning I found out that I failed in an interview for a job I have been doing for the past 12 months People and their excuses are so false I feel like doing something grand in retalliation But I know that instead I will probably just email friends and bitch about things some more I feel like nothing right now
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach by someone in HR And that person just said something about "specific examples" And I said "you're joking right?" She didn't like that, but I don't really give a shit
And I'll be making this all clear when I go to work tomorrow.
You can now buy a copy of the book called IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE A MISTAKE from the bureau de books page. It is 'available'. What is it? It is a collection which Cath and I put together with work (text and images) from friends/friends of friends/good people based loosely around the Northampton region of the UK, which is where we are. I wrote a story (and a half story) for it.
If anyone would like a copy 'for review pursposes' and can guarantee that they will review it positively, and thus sell at least a further 5 copies, then I will send them one for free. If you are simply looking for a free copy, and can easily afford £2, then I will insist you buy one instead. Email me: chriseast83@gmail.com
Today I saw two really unattractive redhead twins pushing pushchairs with babies in Today I drank tea in a cafe I have never been in before whilst drawing pictures and reading Soviet Short Stories Today I met up with my brother and found out he is soon starting training to become a pro wrestler (this makes me happy and proud, true) Today I am listening to The Balky Mule and Lil Wayne on repeat Today I am working on part 5 of my 'novel' which is called Chick Magnet
so yeah email me ok
and this is a video what i made ages ago, thought I'd post it here as it is pre-blog
I woke up today with black ink all over my hands. I have spent so much time printing the first book from Bureau De Books that I am sick of the swooshing and whirrrring the printer is making. It is running right now. Actually. I don't mind. I think that we have made something pretty good and I am really proud of everyone who contributed and also excited because I know there are loads of great people and friends out there who did not get the chance to be involved this time round and I can not wait to start thinking about the next project. There are a few 'ideas' floating around maybe.
I have been trading emails with some people and will soon have a few more stories published but you'll know more about that when I am ready to let you know.
Yesterday I went to Nero coffee shop in Northampton and bought a cup of tea. It was like £1.50 and I thought that was expensive but then I was reminded that in Paris I paid more than £4 for tea and £35 for 3 cocktails. Does that mean Northampton is better than Paris? Or does it mean that the people of Northampton are poorer than the people of Paris? I then went to eat Chinese food and watch my housemate buy walking boots. Then I came home to do more printing.
When I was in Brighton last week my friends in The Bobby McGees and I made some music and I read some stories over the top and recorded this and they came out 'quite nice'. If you'd like you could listen to one now (it is the audio version of this story here)
I have been away for the week. First to Paris (France) then to Brighton (England). I think I will try and incorporate some of the details of this trip into a forthcoming post but for now I will gloss over it. I am aloof.
Leslie Joseph is a monster.
Leslie Joseph sits in her castle.
The castle rests amongst the rocks of a great mountain. It is made of ice, the castle. Grey ice bricks are stacked high to make walls which are translucent and show off the flames glowing inside. Leslie Joseph is inside eating a pile of skin pulled from the carcasses of slaughtered beasts, beasts that dare venture too close to this ice castle.
Leslie Joseph is alone inside the ice castle eating skin when she thinks to herself thoughts about how to become more powerful as a monster and a public figure. The thoughts are stupid and sad.
'Be mean, always'. Check.
'Have a bizarrely sexual outer layer which hides a wizened skeletal underside'. Check.
'Wear many layers of eye make-up'. Definitely.
This exercise makes Leslie Joseph tired and sad. Thinking about herself as a public figure is comforting but also confusing. It is confusing to make attempts to both upset and entice prey at the same time.
She wants beasts to come close to her and her castle, she wants to appear attractive to them. She wants for them to be terrified. She wants for them to be numbed by terror and walk blindly forward towards the castle like they are hypnotized. She wants eventually to be able to eat their skin.
If anyone is uncertain exactly who Leslie Joseph is then please feel free to email me [chriseast83@gmail.com] and I'll straighten it out for you.
If I was made of germs I would focus real hard to the point where I could control the movement of the germs and have them form massive shapes so my body would no longer look like a human body. However. If I was filled with germs I would cut open my belly and watch the thick syrup of germs come seeping from the hole and it would look glittery like the trail a slug leaves behind as it trickled to the nearest drain or cracked floorboard.
The first part of this post is the address for the new blog I made to represent my new 'publishing' 'venture'. It is called Bureau De Books and it is a project which I have undertaken with my landlord/colleague/co-conspirator and with which we intend to spread things we like, far and wide. So keep an eye on that for extra information.
The second part is a sample from a story I started writing. Sometimes I worry that I will never finish anything ever again or that if or when I do finish things, that they will not actually be 'finished', rather they will be things I am bored of and have decided that I do not want to work on them anymore and it is easier to say they are finished and just let them 'exist' regardless of quality. I think this is something I already do.
Tomorrow I am taking a late night coach journey to Paris. I hope it goes well.
