Face it

Seems like I am destined to be alone. I don't know. I hope things work out because I don't want to feel any worse.

Nearly a month has gone by and a lot has happened. I don't really want to talk about it though. Don't know what I am doing here today. I have had a good month though. A really good month. Shame really that things have to get all fucked up.

I think that if you have really strong and positive recent memories, that they can be pretty damaging when something bad comes along, like a damp blur creeping in from the corners of a photograph. You (I?) start to take these memories and rewrite them and rewrite them until they become something that someone else has experienced and they seem aspirational somehow, you are asking yourself "why can't I live like that?" and you forget that you did live that, that was you, you were so happy.

I had an evening where I was left knowing nothing at all.

I wrote this some time ago, seems real;

Jennifer has been in love before maybe. She is not sure. She thinks of love as a house which you move into and live inside of. You and another person are both inside the house and it is your house together, you both know that and that makes it precious and something tangible like you can touch the walls and curtains and believe that it will stand forever. There are times when one of you leaves but the other is still inside and at those times it can be cold and lonely and claustrophobic and the light switches stop working and you do not know what to do. There are times when one of you returns after a period of time and the house feels perfect again. Perhaps Jennifer has not been in love because she has never been in the same house as someone else in that way. Jennifer thinks that maybe you can only really know if something is love if they are in love with you also, or at least they know what you are feeling, otherwise it is something else with a different and less attractive name but still important in spite of the loneliness.