leaving email

As I alluded to in a previous post, I am going to be out of work next month. Boo hoo, poor me right? Fuck off you heartless bastard. Sucks, but whatevs yeah...

Someone else, more senior than me, and definitely getting paid more than me, has just announced she will also be leaving. I am pretty sure this is not out of support for my situation. She thought it would be nice to send a gushing email of praise and crap to the whole building, y'know the kind of thing, 'wonderful experience' and 'a pleasure to know ya', that stuff. Well, in my infinite wisdom I have decided to remix the email and make it more palatable for those with sensitive teeth.
(edits have been made to protect indentities of the parties involved)

Hi everyone

Just to let all you fucking arseholes know that I'm leaving at Christmas. It has been a rollercoaster ride of shit over the last eight years and I have taken the decision that now is the time for me to fucking jump ship before it explodes, sinks and you all die.

I am incredibly proud of my time here. I have wasted so much time, but with incredibly high production values. I feel honoured to have 'made dreams work' for disableds and the elderly, both of whom I value less than the dozen cats I will be spending the rest of my life stroking. We have imposed the most amazing depths of depravity and most hollow and emotionless of work for our Northamptonshire audiences. I love the flexibility of our staff and buildings so we can be
doing comedy one night, classical music the next, then onto a piece of sadistic and perverted exploitation targeted at escaped sex criminals. Our creative projects are just shit. It has been an embarrassment watching some idiot lead the team and develop patronising pieces for under 6's. I do genuinely believe the redevelopment provided us with a hole in the ground, an eyesore, a giant wicker man of a building which is waiting to be burnt down with all you bastards inside. I still get a sick thrill every time I walk through the staff door into the foyer. It still has the stench of disappointment in the air, even after nearly three years. The team of circus freaks, you know, three legs,
half a head, breath that smells like a pile of dead babies, well those guys do an amazing job maintaining how it looks and feels. By which I mean, I feel so dirty all the time. I loved the new company that emerged from the stacks of burning bodies with new values to deliver our artistic abortions and half arsed
customer service through Passion, Accountability, Respect and Inclusion.

I will miss you all.