merry chriseastmas

this is a picture of me playing a song on BBC Radio last week
you can still go back and listen to this (maybe?) if you click here

Z O M B I E T A X I D R I V E R B A D M I N T O N
Z O M B I E T A X I D R I V E R B A D M I N T O N
Z O M B I E T A X I D R I V E R B A D M I N T O N
Z O M B I E T A X I D R I V E R B A D M I N T O N
Z O M B I E T A X I D R I V E R B A D M I N T O N

Face it

Seems like I am destined to be alone. I don't know. I hope things work out because I don't want to feel any worse.

Nearly a month has gone by and a lot has happened. I don't really want to talk about it though. Don't know what I am doing here today. I have had a good month though. A really good month. Shame really that things have to get all fucked up.

I think that if you have really strong and positive recent memories, that they can be pretty damaging when something bad comes along, like a damp blur creeping in from the corners of a photograph. You (I?) start to take these memories and rewrite them and rewrite them until they become something that someone else has experienced and they seem aspirational somehow, you are asking yourself "why can't I live like that?" and you forget that you did live that, that was you, you were so happy.

I had an evening where I was left knowing nothing at all.

I wrote this some time ago, seems real;

Jennifer has been in love before maybe. She is not sure. She thinks of love as a house which you move into and live inside of. You and another person are both inside the house and it is your house together, you both know that and that makes it precious and something tangible like you can touch the walls and curtains and believe that it will stand forever. There are times when one of you leaves but the other is still inside and at those times it can be cold and lonely and claustrophobic and the light switches stop working and you do not know what to do. There are times when one of you returns after a period of time and the house feels perfect again. Perhaps Jennifer has not been in love because she has never been in the same house as someone else in that way. Jennifer thinks that maybe you can only really know if something is love if they are in love with you also, or at least they know what you are feeling, otherwise it is something else with a different and less attractive name but still important in spite of the loneliness.

Neon colour paper

A thing I wrote for Crispy Best's For Every Year 'project' is up. I chose the year 1514 because it sounds kind of sexy to say out loud. The story is called 'There's something about Mary'. It is written from the point of view of some French dude called Louise or something.

Starting to think about Christmas.

This year I started hosting a cabaret/variety style show. I am going to do a Christmas party edition in December. I am most excited about this because this man is coming to do his stuff


Also
You should start thinking about Christmas. And Christmas presents.

The ideal Christmas present for everyone in every family that was ever made ever is the book called QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT which is available from Bureau De Books. Go buy it douche bag.

mixtapes

i am all alone and my knees hurt, please help me please

if i owned yellow trousers i would never not wear them

the new wooden folding chair i bought is working out ok

rewriting from scratch and from memory is fun

want to be a contestant on tv talent show watching tv

Pretending to cry

Chris East is not even really a man. He always wants to get what he wants. If on occasion he fails or struggles to get what he wants he will pretend to cry.

Sparklers

Went to a bonfire
Looked at the bonfire
Had some sparklers but didn't light the sparklers
The fire was hot on my face
A man shouted into his phone
Shouting about Fresh Donuts
Kids wave flashing plastic
We eat sweets
Fireworks fizz and bang
People make noises
People are enjoying the fireworks
And the fireworks lose focus through the smoke
Organ music plays ABBA
Fireworks vary in size
A steam train whistle signals something

Random-article-at-Wikipedia event

i am feeling warm with the heating on and getting all psyched up for halloween, but even with all this comfort and jollity i still feel like I need to do something to entertain myself. so welcome to the RANDOM-ARTICLE-AT-WIKIPEDIA EVENT.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mar%C3%ADa_Ana_de_Pontejos_y_Sandoval,_Marchioness_of_Pontejos
These old portrait women always seem like pale bitches. They have no chins and no 'sex', I mean, I don't feel any 'sex' when I look at these potraits. Goya doesn't know shit. He let this woman dress up and pretend to be someone else. All the ladies want to dress like Marie Antoinette because she was like Mischa Barton or some shit. Just after this portrait was painted Ana stomped on that little pug because it was a yapping little jerk.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convergence_for_Alternance_and_Change
"This article about a political party in Mali is a stub." !!! What is with that Wikipedia? You are trying to fuck up my flow or something. Fuck you. 'Convergence for Alternance and Change' is the lamest and most unsuccessful sounding name for a political party ever invented. They should change it to 'Afterbirth Party' and people would hear it and be all like "HOLY SHIT! That is wild!" and they would win more seats and in the international news on the Guardian website everyone would be in the comments section saying things about how freedom of speach in Mali is awesome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_School_At_A_Time
Is this a hip-hop album themed after teen suicide? Is this a depressing film set in the East Midlands about a teacher who is wrongly accused of sleeping with a hot looking student? Is this some archaic and now redundant phrase used by old people to help me eat slowly? No, none of those things. Just some fucked up and pointless Wikipedia page about some dull and worthy charity. Someone clean up this orphan yeah?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egon
Yes. I love Ghostbusters. It has nerds and laser beams and explosions and monsters and is set in New York like every other film. Having seen this I think I would seriously consider naming my hypothetical child Egon. And everyone would be all like "Ha, yeah, I love Ghostbusters. But Harold Ramis has directed some shit films hasn't he?" and I would say "I think his cameo in As Good As It Gets was pretty sweet, besides this kid is named after the former and final leader of East Germany. Go Communism!"

(i think it would pretty sweet if you went and had your own RANDOM-ARTICLE-AT-WIKIPEDIA EVENT. please do it. for me?)

100th post

I AM IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF YOU READ THIS THEN I LOVE YOU. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULD KISS YOUR FINGERTIPS AS YOU TOUCH THE KEYBOARD. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE I WOULD EMAIL YOU MY DICK. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. KNOWING THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS AND READING THESE WORDS MAKES ME FEEL WARMER THAN I FELT BEFORE. I AM SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW. TELL ME SOMETHING SEXY...

...OH YEAH THAT IS PRETTY FUCKING SEXY. I WANT TO GET ON A BUS ON A TRAIN ON A BOAT ON A PLANE AND VISIT YOU AND HOLD YOU AS YOU SLEEP AND TELL YOU A STORY OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD ABOUT A MAGIC MIRROR AND BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. I WANT TO WATCH YOU SLEEP. I WANT YOU TO SET UP A WEBCAM AND LET ME WATCH YOU SLEEP. DO THAT. I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING. I WANT TO KEEP IT SIMPLE. KNOWING EVERYTHING IS AS SIMPLE AS KNOWING NOTHING. TELL ME EVERYTHING AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU. AGAIN. AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Solid gold hits

Like a tangerine on steroids, I am all over.

I am building my brand. The 'Chris East' brand. I need some merchandise.



Here is a poem

Father of the Bride

I am scared of your dad
He laughed as
He threatened to kill me in my sleep
In your sleep
I told him 'fuck off'
With his hand on my shoulder
And mouth against my ear
He said quietly
'I want to make love to you'

S.O.S.

your eyes, peace prize

Had a weird week. It involved 2 trips to London, 2 Winston Echo gigs, 1 trip to the Jobcentre, 1 album called Doolittle, 1 night where I really had a not very nice time and wanted to leave but couldn't.

Often I have nights where I have a not very nice time and want to leave but can't. I just feel stuck. I have to make people think that I am having a nice time whilst I am speaking to them but at the same time I just want to not be near other people or just be near one person or something. I feel like I am really rude and selfish sometimes, and then other times I feel like I am fucking perfect and everyone else is really rude and selfish. I say things like "I guess it's not place to be angry" and "I guess I have no right to expect anything from you" but actually, I mean actually, it is my place and I do have a right. Sometimes I just need to hear an apology or something nice to pull me out of dark shit.

I am finishing listening to all of these things. Turns out that fifteen years ago Chris Morris was the shit. And also 1994 was pretty good for pop music. De La Soul, Frank Black, 2Unlimited. yes yes.

I was unaware that The Prodigy's number 1 UK hit single 'Firestarter' contained a sample from a song by The Breeders. I am in love with Kim Deal a little bit. Here are 2 similar but different pieces of evidence.

3 more QUESTIONS ABOUT A SHIT LIFE

Q
What do you even do with your days? You are so lazy.
A
I sit and listen to dogs barking. I chew pieces of boot leather. I turn over and over and over until I am sore. I look at magic eye pictures and try to imagine them busting into flame. I make music using only the bones of dead deer. Sometimes I eat. I wrap presents for orphans and then never deliver them because I hate orphans. I type up nuisance letters to dead celebrities.

Q
Do you recycle?
A
Yes. I recycle other people's ideas and make them into something better.

Q
Who washes the prostitute's clothes?
A
The pimp would be responsible for all laundry. The prostitute visits the pimp each morning with a pillowcase filled with soiled underwear and blouses and hotpants from the night before and the prostitute takes them to his mother's house and shouts at her until she puts them in the machine. The pimp's mother takes care to use fabric softener on all the clothes. It is better that way.

(please make sure you visit Bureau De Books and buy a copy, or two, of the new book named QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT because it is the bomb)

Facts

Other people are writing facts and passing them off as facts. Fuck those guys.

I do like facts. I have been reading this site called wikipedia. It is a literary journal which publishes pieces of writing about different subjects. You can submit things there now. They have little or no quality control.

I think this is the best thing I have read on wikipeedia. It is about John Henry. He worked on the railroad.

John Henry was born with a hammer in his hand. He would crawl around banging his hammer as he went. John Henry did a mans work with his father. Soon he realized he was stronger than most people his age, so he decided it was time he went out into the world. he got a job in the cotton fields, but it was too tame. So he got a job on a river boat. One night the paddle wheel broke and John Henry turned the wheel. He heard men talking of railroads being built, so he started thinking that he wanted a hammer in his hand again, so he joined a railroad crew. John Henry's crew worked the fastest. Soon they came to a mountain and his friend Lil Bill told him about all of the dangers. John Henry said suits me just fine. One day there was a cave-in while a stick of dynamite was lit, and John Henry and his crew were stuck inside. John Henry was going to put it out, but he fell, so he took his hammer and hit the fuse on the head and put out the flame. some days later a steam drill challenged John Henry to a contest to see who could get through the mountain first. After a few hours the steam drill was ahead so John Henry got two hammers and pounding away. Then the steam drill broke down. When John Henry broke through the side of the mountain his heart exploded, and he died with a hammer in each hand.

I wish I was friends with the person who wrote this because it is great.

3 QUESTIONS ABOUT A SHIT LIFE

Q
When you are lying face down in gravel and broken glass, should you open your mouth lick the ground?
A
Probably. It all depends on how you came to be and whether the Creator of The Universe has chosen this as your path. The ground will undoubtably taste sweet as the fruit which ripens and falls from trees and bushes and into the mouths of babes. I say yes.

Q
Where do you keep the truth and why is it not on display for all to see?
A
This question is without answer. There is no truth for you. You do not deserve truth. You do not work hard enough and you will never fulfill any of the potential you have been cursed with. You are a failure. Truth is for celebrities.

Q
When I bruise the bruise turns yellow. That shouldn't happen, right?
A
Yes. The bruise will and should turn yellow. If you were to peel away the skin to view the bruise eye-to-eye then you would see that the yellow is really a rich gold colour, and staring at it too long will make you lust for such riches. Do not stare. In fact, do not peel your skin away. In fact, be more careful, try not to bruise.

(QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT is the name of a new book from Bureau De Books. You should go and order it because it is cheap but also very good.)

it is back

after a boredom induced hiatus, the most important photo blog anywhere across the whole internet is back.

PEACE!

hi chris

last 20 minutes

I am currently into the last 20 minutes of the job I work. I don't know if I am supposed to be depressed, I am not leaving voluntarily. Maybe someone will have to drag me out. Probably not.

I wrote an email and sent it to everyone in the building. I won't post all of it, but here are some selections.

"Today is my last day. I finish at 2pm. I have been working in the Box Office for 18 months."

"You might see me wandering aimlessly through town, hands in my pockets, seemingly with nowhere to go. If you do spot me, and I look upset, don’t approach me as I might cry."

Whatever yeah.
10 minutes left.

If anyone wants to give me a job, I will definitely consider it.

Earlier I asked people "should I start a fire, take a shit on Kathleen's (my 'manager') desk, or punch an old lady?"

I never did decide.

1 x end of the road festival ADULT ticket

The Elizabeth Etters Affair seems to have gone cold maybe. Would it be wrong of me to make the rest up? I want to know how the story plays out. Should I go to Canary Wharf with a copy of the email I was sent and Get-To-The-Bottom-Of-This?

Was invited to contribute to Piffle. And accepted. I think it will be an awkward relationship full of stilted conversation and unpleasant sex.

I had a weekend. In some ways it was fantastic and in other ways it was the worst I have ever felt. Emotionally speaking. And I had the house all to myself like Macauley Culking, only not as much fun. I started a fire. Not a big fire, but still a fire.

Preorders are available for the new Bureau De Books book QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT. It is really good I think.

I have been going through my stuff and need to have a clearout. Ebay is calling me. Maybe you don't know, and why would you because I don't think I ever told you, but I used to run a shop of my own. It sold independent music and zines and other stuff. I now have boxes and boxes of this stuff that I can't get rid of. Would anyone like some? I have CDs and records and cassette tapes and zines and other things. If anyone would like stuff, and it'll be good stuff, you should paypal me some money to chriseast83@gmail.com and I will send you items worth at least 3 times the value of the money you send. (Minumum £5?)

Here is what it used to look like

There is no Elizabeth Etters

"God bless you and please do not let me down even if i am not watching you do as if i am with you and do the best to make sure this hope are used for what their made for."

Poem of the century

I went to work
The wrong way
And got lost
No one would help me
I did not know what to do to get back

If I could buy a clue then I would but I have no cash on me so I am confused what

Take a picture
It'll last longer
But you don't have to
Though
If you had the photo
You might use it for bad things
An evil spell or something

How often do I have to say 'I love you' to trick you into believing it's true

I heart you
I lung you
I liver you
I small intestine the shit out of you sometimes

When you are sleeping
I take photos of you
And I photoshop the photos
So your eyes appear to be open
And you look like a corpse
Because baby
That's how I feel

On a good day I feel like a horse and on a bad day I feel like a mule
Today is somewhere between the two and it looks confusing

questions (coming soon)(ish)

• THE EARTH IS FILLED WITH VIOLENCE?

• WHERE IS CYRANO?

• VINCENT AND THEO (AND MURRAY?)

• CAN I OFFER YOU A REFRESHER?

• AM I HOW THIS IS?

• DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH ME IN MY PARENT'S BASEMENT?

• ILLEGIBLE EMOTION/IF THE MEANING OF LIFE IS TO FIND THE MEANING OF LIFE WHAT DOES THIS MEAN; IS IT LIKE 'THE JOKE IS THERE IS NO JOKE' OR 'THE POINT IS THERE IS NO POINT' OR SOMETHING?

• WHAT ARE WE?

• WHO HAS THE KEY TO THE LACTATION ROOM?

• WHOSE GODDAMN OATMEAL IS THIS?

• IS THERE A WAY NOT TO SWEAT WHILE SLEEPING?

• WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING EVERY MONDAY MORNING WHEN WE WAKE UP?

• WHO IS MARK WHALBERG?

• AT WHAT POINT DOES LATE NIGHT BECOME EARLY MORNING?

• WHAT ARE THE SIDE EFFECTS OF BIRTH CONTROL?

• WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TODAY?

• ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT MY BIRD?

• WHAT WILL WE DO TONIGHT?

• WHEN WILL I FINALLY DIE?
  
  

no sleep

Should I record an audiobook of Fences by Ben Brooks when it arrives in the post?

I have a lot of blank tapes to use.

chriseast83[at]gmail.com

Some time ago I was emailing out a collection of poems I had been working on called 'If I killed you so what?'

I was quite pleased with the collection and enthusiastic about showing it to people and people seemed to be enjoying it. I was sending it out to some people I did not know and had no contact with previously.

Someone emailed me back and was not very happy that I had sent it to them. This made me feel pretty bad, like I had done something wrong, that I had invaded someone's privacy, and that is a thing you cannot undo.

Then I thought about it a bit more. If you write and put stuff out there, online, and you want people to like what you do, and people do like what you write, and you post your email address, I think that it is ok to send them an email.

I would like it if people emailed me. Strangers. So long as it is something nice.

I would also like it if people wanted to 'chat' with me. Gmail. I am too nervous to invite people to chat a lot of the time. I have no intention of publishing our conversations somewhere on the internet, unless somehow our conversation stumbles upon something incredibly insightful, which is unlikely.

I am interested in you. Tell me something interesting.

Last night I suffered the deepest paper cut on record. A piece of paper sliced straight through my hand and left me with no fingers. I reattached them with sticky tape and they seem to be ok now. I hope they heel fully. I like my fingers. They are useful.

xTxTxTx put up a story I wrote for her elephant season. It is called Dumbo and it is short enough to read without thinking 'get to the fucking point already' and smashing your face into the computer screen. The 'Elephant Summer' thing has been a lot of good stuff over a short period of time and you should stop being a jerk and look at it already.

Had a thing accepted for the next episode of The Lifted Brow which is both fly and dope because The Lifted Brow is the shit and also because there will be something by Douglas Coupland in there and that makes me laugh until my stomach bleeds and I have to go to hospital for an operation and the doctors say 'what the hell is so funny? you are dying, you know that right?' and I just smile at them and then fade away. The current issue has a picture I drawed in it.

Would anyone like to read a collection I have started working on? It was supposed to be a self-help book of short quotes, but it isn't really that at all. I want you to see it. Email me. chriseast83[AT]gmail.com

I am interested in you. Tell me something interesting.

leaving email

As I alluded to in a previous post, I am going to be out of work next month. Boo hoo, poor me right? Fuck off you heartless bastard. Sucks, but whatevs yeah...

Someone else, more senior than me, and definitely getting paid more than me, has just announced she will also be leaving. I am pretty sure this is not out of support for my situation. She thought it would be nice to send a gushing email of praise and crap to the whole building, y'know the kind of thing, 'wonderful experience' and 'a pleasure to know ya', that stuff. Well, in my infinite wisdom I have decided to remix the email and make it more palatable for those with sensitive teeth.
(edits have been made to protect indentities of the parties involved)

Hi everyone

Just to let all you fucking arseholes know that I'm leaving at Christmas. It has been a rollercoaster ride of shit over the last eight years and I have taken the decision that now is the time for me to fucking jump ship before it explodes, sinks and you all die.

I am incredibly proud of my time here. I have wasted so much time, but with incredibly high production values. I feel honoured to have 'made dreams work' for disableds and the elderly, both of whom I value less than the dozen cats I will be spending the rest of my life stroking. We have imposed the most amazing depths of depravity and most hollow and emotionless of work for our Northamptonshire audiences. I love the flexibility of our staff and buildings so we can be
doing comedy one night, classical music the next, then onto a piece of sadistic and perverted exploitation targeted at escaped sex criminals. Our creative projects are just shit. It has been an embarrassment watching some idiot lead the team and develop patronising pieces for under 6's. I do genuinely believe the redevelopment provided us with a hole in the ground, an eyesore, a giant wicker man of a building which is waiting to be burnt down with all you bastards inside. I still get a sick thrill every time I walk through the staff door into the foyer. It still has the stench of disappointment in the air, even after nearly three years. The team of circus freaks, you know, three legs,
half a head, breath that smells like a pile of dead babies, well those guys do an amazing job maintaining how it looks and feels. By which I mean, I feel so dirty all the time. I loved the new company that emerged from the stacks of burning bodies with new values to deliver our artistic abortions and half arsed
customer service through Passion, Accountability, Respect and Inclusion.

I will miss you all.

I forgot to say a thing about the sea

A little while ago I read that book, The Brandon Book Crisis, and I decided I wanted to throw it in the sea because I did not want it near me anymore but then I did not do that because I got really nervous about throwing stuff in the sea off the side of a commercial vessel and thought someone would approach me and say something like Did you just throw some some crap into the sea? and I would have to think really hard about the question and probably decide that yes I did throw some crap into the sea and then I would have to run away really fast before the sea police came to arrest me for sea littering.

I still have the book. Does anyone want it? If someone sends me a trade they can have it. I feel sick thinking about it.

Fucked #2

"I didn't want for this blog to turn into This Sort of Thing."

Emo. I am having a shitty week so far. It is only a day old. I am filled with a desire to rip people's limbs from their body. I said "I want to find out if these hands have strength to pull flesh from bone." I said "I want to punch her head off her shoulders." I said "I want to use this illness for evil."

I have a cold and it is painful and I feel like my nose has been blown red raw and that the inside of my face is a smouldering mess. I feel like my sinuses have been fucked by a massive virus dick. I feel like I do not really know what a 'sinuses' is.

Sometimes I feel so dumb and that I do not understand what other people want or feel. I think that I am having a nice time, that we are having a nice time, that everyone is happy and things are going well and everything might just turn out ok, only to find that I have somehow jumped ahead about four steps and have ruined everything. I am forever in a constant state of confusion.

I have had confirmed what I always suspected, that employers aint about shit. I have been fucked about. God. Write something funny. Working is for the fucking proletariat and baby I am above that shit. I am smoke. I am outta here. I have one month. I am a rocket ship on my way to Mars on a collision course, set to explode on impact with the faces of every douche that has kept a good man down.

I will be thinking of you.

On the other hand, I will soon be prodding and poking the kitten mention in this post.

Pseudonyms

I would like to be successful and as a way of becoming successful I am considering changing the name of this blog to something more 'accessible' or, failing that, something more 'weird and internet-y'

Here are some early ideas

'JORDAN IN A POISON BATHTUB'

'PICTURES OF DOGS IN WIGS OR CATS WITH MOUSTACHES'

'LESLIE JOSEPH LEG PHOTOS'

'BOTTOMS: PARTICULARLY DAISY LOWE'S BOTTOM'

'LEGAL VIAGRA FOR SALE HERE AND CHEAP WATCHES'

'EXTREME KNITTING PATTERNS KITTENS CUPCAKE RECIPES'

'CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS AND THEN FUCK YOUR DEBTS INTO SUBMISSION'

'WWW.BBC.CO.UK #2'

'THIS IS WHERE SPOILERS FOR THE NEXT SEASON OF LOST ARE BUT THEY ARE HIDDEN SOMEWHERE IN THE HTML SO YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE REALLY FUCKING SAD TO LOOK'

'I AM LONELY ARE YOU LONELY LET US BE LONELY TOGETHER AWWW'

'*'

(the above is a butthole)

'MICHAEL MOORE, EVERYBODY STOPPED LISTENING'

'FREE WHORES (FAULTY)'

'TIGER WOODS FART AND SARAH PALIN UNCOVERED'

i'm sure there are more

i probably won't actually choose any of these

i wonder what this post will do to my 'hits'

Week

I have had a pretty good week actually and I am always suprised when that happens. I went to Dublin to not watch U2 and I also managed to survive my cabaret night.


I met Crispin Best and I think we are in love now. I'm not sure. If we got married we could both change our surnames to 'Beast'. I would like that. Crispin read this thing which I love. I want to write a play with Crispin Best and it could be like The Odd Couple but more boring and set in the future. We could get the Olsen twins to star. Crispin, if you read this, drop me a line yeah?

If anyone reads this and thinks they could come and do as good a job of reading something as Crispin did, then they should let me know.

It has occured to me that I haven't really posted anything interesting on here for a while. The following is not that interesting. It is a thing I started writing for a competition, then got bored of and didn't really finish. But here it is anyway.

Elizabeth was so in love with Randy Savage.
I mean, Randy was in love with her too but sometimes he didn't realise it. Sat in a cold dressing room and full of anger and frustration, Randy put on his shades and his hat and thought about all he had done.

Elizabeth just could not live with this 'new' Randy Savage, this villain, this 'Macho King' and she had been spending more and more time with Hulk Hogan. She felt safe with Hogan, at least in part because of his apparent lack of sex drive and also his ability to overcome most any situation he was faced with. He was a super man and even in the years she spent close at the hip of Randy Savage, she always admired Hogan's resolve and consistency, something Randy really seemed to lack.

Randy Savage stood up and looked at the mirror, straight through himself, and could see Sherri Martel in the doorway. "Come on Savage, you got a job to do." Sherri Martel, 'Sensational' Sherri Martel, had clung to Randy Savage like a
sour vine, wrapping herself tight around, pulling from him everything which had first inspired him to become a Superstar. He was starting to regret things.

i was on the radio on friday
i played a song and read a story by Crispin Best and said some other things
you can listen to it
http://www.bbc.co.uk/northamptonshire/entertainment/weekender/radio/

Prostitute

You have been waiting, I know. I said I would post yesterday but I did not, this is because I am both douche and lame.




This is what I was going to tell you all about


Let me introduce you to WINSTON ECHO. WINSTON ECHO is a 'character' I do. No, not a character, it is the name that I make music under. He is at least six years old and has acheived very very little. Sometimes it is fun being WINSTON ECHO and sometimes not as much fun. It is never difficult. He is quite famous.

This show is a chance for me to do something good. I know people. People who are good at things. And I would like for other people (who are not good at things) to be able to experience these things. If you can make it to Northampton you should maybe consider coming along. Here's what's happening.

• FILM by Rob Bidder (of Tea & Toast Band)
• COMEDIAN James Acaster
• Jurassic Park: THE MUSICAL
• A ukulele INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO
• READING from Crispin Best
• and live music from a band called, INTERNET FOREVER

I refuse to link these things. Use google yeah, it's fucking easy.

I am doing an interview for the radio this afternoon and I am going to read something Crispin Best has written. I hope I don't sound like an idiot.

Dreams of Bruno

Last night I had a dream where I was evacuated from the Royal Albert Hall by Frank Bruno and he said to me amongst the crowd "you need to get out of here, it is not safe for you" and then I ran off and in the crush of people I saw a man's eyes and then I was stabbed, cut from hip to armpit up my left side and I was bleeding and touched the wound but didn't feel any pain.

I think this means I have concerns about the economy.

New thing up at Writers Bloc, it concerns Lil Wayne and is called 'Why I cannot listen to rap music and write at the same time'

Also, received the Pangur Ban Party print thing through the post. It is stapled like shit. DJ Berndt has lost all my respect. All of it.

Tomorrow is one week away from some big event that I am doing. I will do a post about it tomorrow though.

Happy Birthday Crispin Best

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISPIN BEST

I'm sorry I haven't I'm sorry I haven't a clue

I have a thing in the Panger Banger Print Party which DJ Berndt has put together. He is willing to send it out for free to people who want it. It is very limited. You should ask him nicely for a copy. Also give him a little kiss. The collection is called 'Doubts I Love'. The thing I have written is called 'People went to the hills but I stayed at home'.

Contributors to the "Doubts I Love":

Jillian Clark

Crispin Best

Chris East

Ryan Manning

David Fishkind

Kristen Shaw

Adam Showalter

Glen Binger

Adam Coates

DJ Berndt

Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.
Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.
Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.
Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.
Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.
Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.
Reading Charlie Brown. Reading Charlie Brown.

Just preordered Ben Brooks' book.
I feel a bit weird about it.
Like I might have to take the money back off him physically one day.
I mean.
I am sure it will be worth reading.
Maybe even great.
But maybe I will have to take action against him.
I don't want to.
But I will.

Maybe you should go and preorder it also and have a crisis similar to the one I am going through.

An open letter (no links)

Where do we go from here?

I feel like building a ladder so high that when it falls over and you are at the top you will crash into the earth at such a speed that you leave a crater the size of a supermarket carpark.

The question should not be "Where do we go from here?" but rather "Why the fuck should we bother?" and when you ask me that question I will give a small laugh then nudge you in the ribs with my elbow and say "You want we should take our shirts off and hug?"

Listening to mid-90s independant punk.

Planning a trip to Dublin and thinking "I hate it when people say things about how drinking Guiness in Dublin is awesome, as if I give a shit" but I will probably drink Guiness when I am in Dublin and I don't know how I will react. I think that if it as good as the hype then I will probably tear the skin off my forearm to find out once and for all if I am human or a Terminator. Seems like the only logical thing to do.

Do ghosts have sex? Do people have sex in heaven? Do people get to have sex with angels? Do angels have sex with eachother whilst dead people watch and nod their heads? If there is a really hot ghost in your room and you know it is a ghost but it looks really hot, would you have sex with it even though it is a ghost?

On the side of a new office building I want to paint the words 'you blew it' in 20foot high red letters. And dot the 'i' with a love heart.

How do I improve my signature? When a postman asks me to sign for a package I get really fucking embrassed by the scratchy mark I leave behind. Is it weird for me to think about girls and then spend an afternoon signing my first name followed by their surname?

We are all being strangled. 'Swine flu' was fucked up by 'MPs expenses' and 'the BNP'. Now, they in turn are being gang raped by 'the weather', 'Michael Jackson' and 'tennis'. I have stopped caring.

The first Bureau De Books book has been posted as a PDF on that blog so you can download it and read it if you like. I wrote one and a half things in it. There is also a picture of me drinking tea.

I wrote this poem for you, I hope you like it

CLOVER
Up above the world so high
I can see two clouds fucking
One cloud ejaculates into the other cloud
And we all run for cover

they've been putting the holes in

You should preorder the new issue of The Lifted Brow
It is a pretty great thing
I have an illustration in it

My Google Reader is out of control
I have too many subscripitions and I cannot possibly catch up
This morning there were more than 200 unread items
I clicked 'mark as read' on a bunch so now I am down 162
But it is still totally daunting
It will take an effort of super human proportions to bring this back
I don't think I have what it takes
I know I don't

Last night I went to see Blur
It was really pretty great
Nostalgia
It's a trip yo

Here's a good video for a song they did not play


I don't know what else I have to add
I have ceased being a productive member of society
I feed the pigeons
I sometimes feed the sparrows too

The weekend

A new story up at Dogzplot called 'That Roy Orbison song'

Crispin Best said that lately my writing seems 'more angry'

He could be right

Drama is what it is yeah?

I will live

great opportunities for aspiring writers!!!

Following my previous post, Ben Brooks and myself had a brief conversation via the medium of 'email'

I am proposing an ebook

submissions open now

chriseast83@gmail.com

The ebook will be called 'STORYS OF PEOPLE SHAGGING SPIDERS'

It will be a collection of flash fiction erotica featuring spiders and people

It is important to stress 'erotica' and 'spiders'

I want people to start writing this now

Also, tell other people about it

'storys of people shagging spiders' and birds of a feather

someone found my blog by searching 'papier mache dog'
someone found my blog by searching 'driver fucking indian story'
someone found my blog by searching 'storys of people shagging spiders'

a lot of people search for things to with taxi drivers having sex or things to do with Leslie Joseph

should i change the name of my blog to Leslie Joseph



these three women are my heroes
i mean, not really, but they could be

here is a thing about Leslie Joseph

111444999222

1492

you should go read this

also I have written one of the things

it is called 'Daniel Radcliffe'

(much love to Crispy Breast)

I am wondering if anyone would like to come and visit me in Northampton?

We could hang out.

There is a museum with shoes in it.

Erm.

I work in a theatre.

Maybe I could get free tickets?

We could maybe go out for a drink or eat Indian food.

What do you think?

various unwanted bullshit post

If I threw up today I would throw up into my own hands and then drop it out the window and turn my back and listen to see if anyone reacts

Time travel just will never work and anyone who is doing serious research into time travel is a fucking idiot and if time travel ever did work would you want to get inside a time machine designed by a fucking idiot

I am running out of money quickly

I was talking to someone and I said "I would rather fuck a burning bag of shit than see her naked" and they said "Ha" and I thought I had said the funniest thing in the world

Sometimes I think of something to say and find it so clever and funny that I am laughing too much to make it come out of my mouth and then when I do force it out it sounds stupid and incoherent and not clever and funny at all anymore

I have a lot of work to do before I turn 27 and die if I want to be considered a tragic rock and roll death, is this a bad thing to work towards

If anyone is interested in making a reality television series based on me I will definitely do it

There is a man where I work and for the past three days he has been wearing the same olive green vest and short trousers/long shorts and he looked like an extra from one of the Rambo sequels and now today he is dressed in a military jumpsuit and this makes me wish I was at home wearing my boiler suit now

Mouse (Willie)

For your information

The next Bureau De Books book is titled QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT

The deadline for submissions is coming, it is under 10 days (9 days) away.

Click here for submission info

I really want people to contribute

I think it'll be good yeah?

Also, through either coincidence or conspiracy

xtx is closing contributions for this elephant thing on the same day

weird

I wrote something about a cartoon

Tonight I am going to watch that Terminator movie

It will probably be bad or fun, I don't know

I read Light Boxes at last

It was pretty great

I felt worried during parts of it

Security Guard

The Security Guard has grey hair and is young. The grey hair grew in when the Security Guard was 14 years old and was in a bus accident where the bus got caught in powerful winds causing it to roll over with more than 30 passengers inside. No one died or was hurt at all, but the stress caused 9 of the passengers' hair to turn grey within a week and 13 lost their hair completely. Every couple of years the passengers of the bus have a reunion in a village hall near where the crash happened and mainly they talk about their hair. This year a couple who met in the accident got married. Their hair was unaffected because they already had no hair and were grey respectively.

I want to be a punk band

I am all alone as my housemates have gone to South America.

They have gone to Peru and in Peru guinea pigs are eaten.

This is because they breed in large numbers and can be reared in small urban spaces.

It seems like all countries should do this.

Apparently they taste like rabbit.

I went to a funfair on the weekend and rolled around in a large rotating carpeted tube.

Ryan Manning posted one of my poems on Cookiebomb.

I wonder what you have to do to get on the front page of Cookiebomb.

The poem is from the collection entitle IF I KILLED YOU SO WHAT?

As mentioned in the previous post, if you want to read this collection, email me.

Also, I am looking for 'a home' for this collection, if anyone would be interested in publishing it then we should talk yeah?

People who have read it tend to like it.

Maybe a 90% success rate.

We had a band and it was called Anguish Sandwich.

We did one show and we never play together anymore.

It was fun, I like being loud and obnoxious.

I want to be a punk band.

if you die

I have been away this weekend
I went to the South Coast
I went to a cove
I went to the woods
I went to a tent
I went to a restaurant
I went to a pub
I walked
I was cold
I was lucky I did not get rained on



Last week I wrote 15 poems in one afternoon
They went with a 'theme'
And they are together as a book
The book is called 'IF I KILLED YOU SO WHAT?'
If anyone would like to read it then they could email me
chriseast83[at]gmail.com
And I would email it to them
(I think I may add more though)

Ani Smith read it and said this:-

Ani: here's what i thought

'wow'

'this is cool

'there is a lot of stuff in chris's head'

23:50 'i love this'

'holy shit'

and

'yeah i feel weird saying pussy too'

in the past hour I have written more than a dozen poems but what is a poem

I want you to jump
Off a fifty storey building
And I will have painted
On the inside of all the windows on the way down
How everyone thinks
That you are a massive disappointment

VONN!

Over the weekend I read Mother Night

It has been sat on my shelf for some time and then I was reminded about it by someone last week so I decided to get on with it

I like it a lot

(I still think that Cat's Cradle is my favourite Vonnegut book but I haven't read everything, I don't know, whatever right?)

here are a few things that I thought during and after reading it:-

- You could easily convince someone to do something awful if you convinced them that they were being a spy. If someone said to me "Chris, this is a top secret mission, we need you to go undercover and collect important information on some bad guys. You have to work in a slaugherhouse picking up bits of brain with your hands for 3 years" then I would probably do it.

- Nazis are funny.

- Before the guy found out that the wife was really the wife's sister, I totally called that.

- If in 20 years time I am not writing anymore and someone comes across a hard drive with everything I have ever written on it and decides to pass it off as their own in attempt to acquire fame and noteriety then they would likely be unsuccessful. They would end up with low self-esteem and an inbox full of rejection.

- What am I ever going to write about? I mean, it doesn't seem like I have an original idea. I don't expect to be writing about these absurd and fantastical things Vonnegut does, but a bit of plot would be nice.

- I like reading books.

OH!

t-shirt!!!


I want to write a story called 'Why i cannot write and listen to rap music and write at the same time.'
Don't anybody steal that title.
i'm gonna get round to it I swear.

Something I have 'written' was posted on Cookiebomb.
Go find it.

It is my birthday.
Whatevs yeah.

re: On-line Dating

Mariana Soffer wrote a thing on her blog (which is great and makes me feel cleverer/stupider sometimes)

Meeting people over the internet is a phenomenon that scares me a little. A study was made to investigate why I am so scared of the internet and people on the internet.

Flirting online is much different to real life and still I do neither. Women do things like 'play with their hair' or 'roll their eyes' in real life and somehow there are corresponding online cues. Some kind of digital body language. That sounds dangerous and embarrassing. People use colons and semicolons and parentheses and the letter X and other punctuation as a substitute for words because perhaps spellcheck removes all romance. Acronyms are also used. 'PSEM' stands for 'please stop emailing me', and 'DYMKYHAW?' means 'does your mother know you have a webcam?'

I think maybe that women are more likely to post pictures of themselves online because men are more likely to want to look at pictures of women online. There is still that physical element to online relationships. No one wants to waste their time chatting on gchat with an ugly person so it is in the ugly person's best interest to be incredibly witty and to research and invent special new emoticons which no one will have ever seen before, like this one:-

+((:~D

According to studies, women like men who can use big words and do not use contracted spellings in web chat, such as 'u' instead of 'you' and 'ur' instead of 'you are' or 'your'. Women also prefer men with a high number of myspace friends as it suggests that they are not lonely stalkers.

I don't know.

Go read Mariana's thing.

advert

i took this image from Ryan Manning in lieu of payment for advertising space

this is the advert

please go and look at cookiebomb.com

i'm not sure what it is just yet

but look anyway

The Revolution - FAQ

What is 'The Revolution'?
The Revolution is what will happen when we all decide we have had enough. It is still not completely clear what it is that we will have had enough of, but when it happens we will know. It will be obvious.

What happens when 'The Revolution' comes?
We will all hold up our swords and shields to the glowing golden orb in the sky and call for justice. There, before the pounding sun we will join together in one throbbing mass and destroy every semblence of evil put before us. As suggested previously, we will not know what form this evil will take until it manifests itself. It would be best if you prepared yourself for having to fight against everything from 20ft tall bankers and hoards of rabid babies through to microbacteria and abstract notions such as time and love.

How do I sign up for 'The Revolution'?
At the Tower Of London you will find a small leather bound book hidden behind a loose block in the east wall. There you must sign your name in the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb (sorry, but there will be no use for squeamish vegetariansin The Revolution) after which you will be issued with your sword and armour. For further directions please email chriseast83@gmail.com.

What is the likely outcome of 'The Revolution'?
You will probably die. The fact you felt the need to consult this FAQ shows that you lack the true spirit required to successfully survive The Revolution. The rest of us will drink to your memory.

email me yeah?

the thing I do called BUREAU DE BOOKS is opening up submissions for the new book we are starting work on. here is a repost of a post.

Submissions are now open for the next Bureau De Books book.
It will be called QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT
We are looking for pieces of writing, prose or poetry or whatevs(1000 words maximum.)
The title must be a question. End with a question mark (?)
Other than the title there are no instructions.
QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT will be 'professionally' printed in black and white using a Print-On-Demand service.
It will look good.

email submissions to chriseast83[AT]gmail.com

DEADLINE FRIDAY JUNE 12th

that is it. i think it would be good to receive a bunch of really good stuff from people who read this and people i have been in touch with. i feel like this is an exciting time to be alive. ha.

it would be nice to see people let other people know about this, go.

i want

A story that I have written is now up in the new Zygote In My Coffee and you can read it by clicking on the following series of typographical symbols %+#~$*?, it is called 'Universe'.

Small reminder maybe because I think this looks really good and people should attend if they can.
LONDON ZINE SYMPOSIUM

chick magnet vs plunder bunny

Somehow I want more people to read CHICK MAGNET.

I do not know how to go about this. I am and always have been bad at self-promotion. Ask anyone. They will tell you "Chris East is bad at self-promotion".

I think if anyone reads this and wants to post an excerpt of CHICK MAGNET on their website or blog then they should do it. They could even claim it was their own writing before the excerpt and then appologise for lying at the end and link to the CHICK MAGNET blog.

Perhaps someone would like to take words and sentences from CHICK MAGNET and move them around and remix them and use the 'find and replace' word processor function to make it different and then they could the result DICK MAGNET or FRIDGE MAGNET or something.

Hmmmm.

SUN! (i don't know)

I have pain deep in body right now. I was running faster than my legs would allow and folded over double and landed on my head and my shoulder. My shoulder took the vast weight of it. The sun is out and that means volleyball and frisbee and other games not native to the United Kingdom. I don't know. It is supposed to be fun right? I am outtashape.

My money. I don't know. It is supposed to be fun right? I am still young.

If I write some things that would be a book would someone make that book? Would someone put the effort in? Would someone like me, or something written by me, enough to make it into a book? I feel like it is more 'legit' if someone else makes it, otherwise it is just masterbation right?

I am trying to force myself to work harder. I have so much free time at the moment. It is driving me insane. I started playing video games again for the first time in a while. I always find the idea of video games and their history a lot more entertaining than actually spending my time playing them. Fuck. This is not an indictment of the game playing community. I feel like an arsehole.

I am trying to force myself to work harder on CHICK MAGNET. I feel like it could be really good and I actually feel 'better' when I have written some of it. Like it is cathartic or something. I don't know. Perhaps it is 'autobiographical' maybe. Maybe parts of it. It feels good writing some things down.

I think that Cath and I are going to go to the London Zine Symposium next sunday. It will be fun and interesting. Other people should come and have fun with us. We will take copies of 'IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE A MISTAKE' with us. There are other good people I already know or kinda know going. Come.

10,000 words on the effects of the economic crisis and the post modern condition on the developing minds of young people in middle america

1. The things we choose to do are often the easiest and dumbest.

2. I saw a lady run down a flight of stairs so fast her feet could not keep up with the top half of her body. She was heavy and she fell and her face was soft enough to break her fall. She probably did not die. People do not die of things like that. They die of cancer and stabbings.

3. 200 years from now medicine will be so advanced that people will be living until the age of 150 quite easily, yet people will struggle to find work over the age of 50 and suicide rates will soar. Suicide cults will prosper and seem attractive to young and old alike.

4. Scientology is cool. It does not upset me. I think perhaps it is a joke which the rich and famous are playing on the rest of us and one day John Travolta will come out and say "You didn't really think we all belived that shit did you?" How awesome would that be?

5. I feel like if I was the prime minister I would be a pretty good prime minister. I would introduce a new national holiday where, for one day out of the year, all the motorways are fitted with stunt ramps.

Please add your own...

Brrrds of a Feather

A story I made called 'Leslie Joseph is a Monster' is up on the Pygmy Giant. Check it.

I read and blurb'd Crispin Best's new joint called Go Ninja Go Ninja Go. It is based on the film Beverly Hill's Ninja starring the late, great Chris Farley.

I wish I had something else to say.
Erm.
Please help?
I would like it if someone gave me a reason to do something soon.
Erm.

I don't know either

i want interns

i want 500 interns

i want someone to write a book about my influence on contemporary western culture

i want my 500 interns to collectively write a book about themselves with a chapter dedicated to each

i want my 500 interns to be female and nice and be interested in talking to me rather than avoiding me

i want my 500 interns to be either really rich or really poor, nowhere inbetween

i would settle for a girlfriend

i am a volleyball

I realised I forgot to mention a new story on Dogzplot

It is called Geneva

Much love goes out to all the people who read ALL IN TOGETHER NOW and enjoyed and told me they enjoyed it

I really appreciate it

Erm

So

On sunday I put on a show for some bands

(that is something that I do sometimes, ask me about it if you like)

They were called The Balky Mule and Headfall and they were really great

Someone else was supposed to play as well but she was very sick

As a swap I decided to read a couple of stories, including two from All In Together Now, one about Leslie Joseph and a brand new one I made on the weekend called Happy Easter.

It went quite well.

If anyone would like me to come and do a reading for them then you should ask.

I am quite good.

A I T N

A new series of stories, which I have written, is now up at PANGUR BAN PARTY.

It is called ALL IN TOGETHER NOW.
I hope you like it.

ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW AL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHERL NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW ALL IN TOGETHER NOW